"BATHIE TIME BABY"

This,is a poem I wrote a few years ago ,when my daughter Kelly got her first Maltese Terrier pup named "Twopence". Julie and I now have a new one called "Lu Lu".Lu Lu ,like Twopence hates her bath.and I don't blame her really,I mean,you and I decide when we want to have a bath,we also decide if we should have a hot bath,or a cold bath.The poor bloody dog gets its bath when we decide,it may have been totally inconvenient at that time,also if it was going to have a bath,I'm sure it would not have had it hot enough to cook it.or cold enough to freeze its balls off.This story is written,on behalf of the dog.

"OH-OH,HERE SHE COMES,
ITS THAT TIME OF THE WEEK.
SHAMPOOS OUT,THE BATH IS RUN,
SHE'S READY--SO TO SPEAK.
I'M NOT REALLY VERY DIRTY,
AND THERES NOT TO BAD A SMELL.
I'M COMFY BY THE FIRE HERE,
ITS NICE AND WARM AS WELL.
SHE CAN'T BE SERIOUS,SO
I THINK I'LL HAVE A DOZE.
AND THEN I HEAR HER SAY OUT LOUD
"THAT PUPPYS ON THE NOSE"
CHRIST,ITS TEN O'CLOCK AT NIGHT,
GIVE A LITTLE DOG SOME PEACE,
ITS NOT AS IF A LITTLE SMELL,
COULD SPREAD SOME GREAT DISEASE.
OH WELL,HERE I GO
MUST DO AS I'M TOLD
FIRST I'LL DIP MY TOESIES IN
SHIT! ITS BLOODY COLD.

SO HERE I SIT,A REAL BURKE,
SOAKED,I'M WET ALL OVER
I'LL GET HER SOON,I'LL HAVE A SHAKE
"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ROVER,
WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH THAT COMB"
I KNOW THE NEXT SURPRISE,
SHE'LL COVER ME WITH SHAMPOO
"OUCH ! ITS IN ME EYES"
QUICK,SOMEBODY GET A TOWEL,
I'VE HAD A BLOODY NOUGH.
BUT YOU,YOU IDIOT,YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
TO YOU ITS "WOOF WOOF WOOF"

SO,WE'RE BACK RIGHT WHERE WE STARTED,
IN FRONT OF OPEN FIRE.
PERHAPS NOW I'LL GET SOME PEACE.
OH NO,HERE COMES THE DRYER.
AS IF I HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH,
"NOW LISTEN MADAM,SIR
PUT THAT BLOOMING THING AWAY,
YOU'LL BLOW OFF HALF ME FUR."
STILL,SHE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
YET,SHE MAKES A FUSS,
"WE'LL HAVE TO GET THE KNOTTIES OUT"
OH SHIT HERE COMES THE BRUSH.
TUG TUG,PULL PULL,
GROOMING,THIS IS CALLED.
IF SHE PULLS MUCH MORE OF ME OUT,
I'M GOING TO END UP BALD.

OH WELL,BATTLES OVER,
PEACE AND QUIET AT LAST.
NEXT TIME I HEAR THAT WATER RUN,
I'M NICKING OFF REAL FAST.
NO WAY WILL THEY FIND ME,
I'LL HIDE UNDER A LOG.
TILL THEY LEARN,WHATS GOOD FOR PEOPLE,
IS LIVING HELL FOR DOGS.