I'D LOVE A PIE WITH MUSHY PEAS

I NEVER USED TO HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM--I WAS ALWAYS A HEALTHY LOOKING SPECIMAN.I COULD EAT WHAT I WANTED AND AS MUCH OF IT AS I WANTED.THEN SOMETHING WENT VERY WRONG,INSTEAD OF PASSING IT ALL OUT OF MY BODY IN THE USUAL MANNER,IT ALL DECIDED TO STAY WITHIN ME, AND HANG OVER MY BELT.AT MUCH THE SAME TIME HAIR STOPPED GROWING ON MY HEAD AND STARTED SHOOTING OUT OF MY NOSE AND EARS--MY BELLY BEGAN TO OBSTRUCT THE VIEW OF MY PRIVATE PARTS UNLESS I LAY FLAT ON MY BACK.SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE-I WENT TO THE DOCTOR--TYPE TWO DIABETES,OVERWEIGHT,HIGH CHOLESTEROL AND A HEART THAT LIKES TO BEAT WHEN IT WANTS TO RATHER THAN WHEN IT SHOULD.OTHER THAN THAT I WAS FINE.THE OBVIOUS, WAS THE PROGNOSIS--A DIET WAS REQUIRED--WHICH I EMBARKED UPON-------BUT,

I'D LOVE A PIE,WITH MUSHY PEAS

I'D LOVE A PIE,WITH MUSHY PEAS,
OR ROAST BEEF WITH YORKSHIRE PUD.
FOLLOWED ON,BY SPOTTED DICK
AND CUSTARD IF I COULD.
PERHAPS A COLD SCOTCH EGG,WITH H.P SAUCE
AND,A PLATE OF FISH'N'CHIPS.
THE FOOD I'VE EATEN ALL MY LIFE,
SEE? ITS HANGING OFF ME HIPS.

"YOU'LL HAVE TO LOSE A STONE" HE SAID,
THE DOCTOR,"TUT,TUT,TUT,
YOU'LL GIVE YORSELF A HEART ATTACK
CARRYING AROUND THAT ARSE AND GUT."
WELL,HE COULD HAVE PUT IT NICER,I THOUGHT,
BUT I GUESS HE TELLS THE TRUTH.
I'M OVERWEIGHT,MY SUGARS HIGH
AND CHOLESTEROL'S THROUGH THE ROOF.

"SO WHATS THE ANSWER DOC?"
I ASK,IN A VOICE SOMEWHAT QUIET,
"WE'LL HAVE TO CUT THE RUBBISH OUT,
AND,YOU'RE GOING ON A DIET.
YOU'LL NEED TO RUN TEN MILES A DAY,
TAKE A PILL FOR THIS AND THAT
IF THAT DON'T WORK,WE'LL STICK IN A TUBE
AND SUCK OUT ALL THE FAT."

NOW ITS CARDBOARD FLAKES FOR BREAKFAST,
THERE'LL BE LETTUCE LEAVES FOR LUNCH.
APPLES IN THE AFTERNOON
AND SPINACH BY THE BUNCH
PRUNE JUICE GIVES ME DIARRHOEA,
NOW,THATS NOT GOOD FOR THE HEART.
I'M SICK OF BLOODY LEGUMES
ALL THEY DO IS MAKE ME FART.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M BLOODY MISERABLE,
EATING ALL THIS HEALTHY SHITE,
WHATS A LIFE WITH NO CHIPS OR CHOCOLATE?
TELL ME,IT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
BUT THE DOCTOR SAYS I'M DOING FINE.
FRIENDS SAY I'M LOOKING GREAT,
"SVELT AND HANDSOME" THATS WHAT THEY SAID
SINCE I DROPPED A BIT OF WEIGHT.

BUT,I'D LOVE A PIE,WITH MUSHY PEAS,
OR ROAST BEEF AND YORKSHIRE PUD.
FOLLOWED ON BY SPOTTED DICK
AND CUSTARD IF I COULD.
PERHAPS A COLD SCOTCH EGG,WITH H.P SAUCE
AND A PLATE OF FISH AND CHIPS,
THE FOOD I'VE EATEN ALL MY LIFE,
NO LONGER PASS MY LIPS------------AND,I JUST WANT TO DIE.