STUCK UP SANTA
Its coming towards the end of July.In Australia we do a funny thing,because its too hot at Christmas to have a traditional Christmas dinner,we have what we call "Christmas In July".Its the middle of winter so everyone welcomes the Turkey etc that you, in other parts of the world would enjoy in December.Not that all of this has anything to do with this poem,its just an explanation as to why Santa would come to my mind at this time of the year.
IT WAS HALF PAST ONE ON CHRISTMAS MORN.
WHEN,A KNOCKING AT MY DOOR
CAME THIS LITTLE SCREAMING GREEN DRESSED ELF,
"SANTA'S STUCK IN NUMBER FOUR".
SO,I WANDERED DOWN TO HAVE A LOOK
AND SEE WHAT WAS THIS FARCE.
THERE STICKING OUT THE CHIMNEY WAS,
BLACK BOOTS,AND SANTA'S ARSE.
"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?" I ASKED THE ELF,
"ITS NEVER BEEN BEFORE,
SANTA'S BEEN DOING THIS,"I SAID
"FOR A THOUSAND YEARS OR MORE"
"TOO MUCH PUD,"HE TOLD ME
"AND TOO MUCH CAKE AND BEER,
HE'S TWO STONE HEAVIER THAN HE WAS,
TWELVE MONTHS,THIS TIME OF YEAR".
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" HE SAID
"THE CART IS FULL OF TOYS,
WE'VE STILL GOT A THOUSAND DROPS TO DO
FOR ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYS".
SO,I STOOD THERE THINKING FOR A WHILE,
HUMMING CHRISTMAS TUNES.
WHEN I SUDDENLY HAD A BRAIN WAVE,
"I'LL GO AND GET THE PRUNES"
WELL,I GOT THEM,AND I CAME BACK.
THEN QUIET AS A MOUSE,
IN THROUGH AN OPEN WINDOW,
I CREPT THROUGH MY NEIGHBOURS HOUSE.
IN THE LOUNGE ROOM WAS THE FIRE,
BULGING,LIKE THE CHIMNEY'D BUST,
AND WITH ALL OF SANTA'S STRUGGLING,
THE PLACE WAS FULL,OF SOOT AND DUST
AS I LOOKED UP THE CHIMNEYS DARKNESS
OF THAT FIRE PLACE.
THERE,FIVE FEET ABOVE ME,
WAS SANTA'S SOOTED FACE.
"HI SANTA,HOW YA GOIN?"
"I'M STUCK HERE,DON'T YOU KNOW ?
AND I'M REALLY BLOODY GRUMPY,
THERE'LL BE NO HO HO HO."
"GET THESE INTO YA SANTA,"I SAID,
PASSING HIM THE PRUNES.
"YOU'LL KNOW JUST WHEN THEY START TO WORK,
YOU'LL BE PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNES."
FOR HALF AN HOUR WE WAITED,
THEN THE PRUNES BEGAN TO START,
AND SANTA ANNOUNCED IT TO THE WORLD,
WITH A GIANT ENORMOUS FART.
HE FLEW RIGHT OUT THE CHIMNEY
AND LANDED ON THE FLOOR,
HE QUICKLY EMPTIED OUT HIS BAG,
THEN SHOT OUT THROUGH THE DOOR.
IN A FLASH JUMPED IN HIS SLEIGH,
AND,AS THE STORY'S SINCE BEEN TELLED
HIS ROUND WAS FINISHED IN HALF THE TIME,
THANKS TO PRUNE PROPELLED.
IT WAS HALF PAST ONE ON CHRISTMAS MORN.
WHEN,A KNOCKING AT MY DOOR
CAME THIS LITTLE SCREAMING GREEN DRESSED ELF,
"SANTA'S STUCK IN NUMBER FOUR".
SO,I WANDERED DOWN TO HAVE A LOOK
AND SEE WHAT WAS THIS FARCE.
THERE STICKING OUT THE CHIMNEY WAS,
BLACK BOOTS,AND SANTA'S ARSE.
"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?" I ASKED THE ELF,
"ITS NEVER BEEN BEFORE,
SANTA'S BEEN DOING THIS,"I SAID
"FOR A THOUSAND YEARS OR MORE"
"TOO MUCH PUD,"HE TOLD ME
"AND TOO MUCH CAKE AND BEER,
HE'S TWO STONE HEAVIER THAN HE WAS,
TWELVE MONTHS,THIS TIME OF YEAR".
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" HE SAID
"THE CART IS FULL OF TOYS,
WE'VE STILL GOT A THOUSAND DROPS TO DO
FOR ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYS".
SO,I STOOD THERE THINKING FOR A WHILE,
HUMMING CHRISTMAS TUNES.
WHEN I SUDDENLY HAD A BRAIN WAVE,
"I'LL GO AND GET THE PRUNES"
WELL,I GOT THEM,AND I CAME BACK.
THEN QUIET AS A MOUSE,
IN THROUGH AN OPEN WINDOW,
I CREPT THROUGH MY NEIGHBOURS HOUSE.
IN THE LOUNGE ROOM WAS THE FIRE,
BULGING,LIKE THE CHIMNEY'D BUST,
AND WITH ALL OF SANTA'S STRUGGLING,
THE PLACE WAS FULL,OF SOOT AND DUST
AS I LOOKED UP THE CHIMNEYS DARKNESS
OF THAT FIRE PLACE.
THERE,FIVE FEET ABOVE ME,
WAS SANTA'S SOOTED FACE.
"HI SANTA,HOW YA GOIN?"
"I'M STUCK HERE,DON'T YOU KNOW ?
AND I'M REALLY BLOODY GRUMPY,
THERE'LL BE NO HO HO HO."
"GET THESE INTO YA SANTA,"I SAID,
PASSING HIM THE PRUNES.
"YOU'LL KNOW JUST WHEN THEY START TO WORK,
YOU'LL BE PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNES."
FOR HALF AN HOUR WE WAITED,
THEN THE PRUNES BEGAN TO START,
AND SANTA ANNOUNCED IT TO THE WORLD,
WITH A GIANT ENORMOUS FART.
HE FLEW RIGHT OUT THE CHIMNEY
AND LANDED ON THE FLOOR,
HE QUICKLY EMPTIED OUT HIS BAG,
THEN SHOT OUT THROUGH THE DOOR.
IN A FLASH JUMPED IN HIS SLEIGH,
AND,AS THE STORY'S SINCE BEEN TELLED
HIS ROUND WAS FINISHED IN HALF THE TIME,
THANKS TO PRUNE PROPELLED.
posted by tonyfromwindsor | July 28, 2005
<< Home