PARANOIA

HAVE YOU EVER FALLEN ASLEEP AND HAD A DREAM SO REAL,THAT YOU FELT IT REALLY HAPPENED,SOMETHING THAT WAS GOING ON AROUND YOU (WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING)THAT IT BECAME PART OF YOUR DREAM.TODAY JULIE AND I HAD BEEN BUSY AROUND THE HOUSE,WE THEN WENT FOR A DRIVE, CAME HOME AND HAD A SLEEP.I WAS WATCHING THE WRESTLING ON TELEVISION--JULIE LOVES THAT,SHE LOVES IT SO MUCH THAT SHE WENT IN THE OTHER ROOM TO HAVE HER SLEEP,WELL,ACTUALLY SHE WENT IN THERE TO READ BUT WITHIN 10 MINUTES I COULD HEAR THAT SHE WAS ASLEEP( WE'VE SPOKEN OF THE RACKET SHE MAKES WHEN SHE'S ASLEEP) AND THEN SHE STARTED WHIMPERING IN HER SLEEP---I THOUGHT "THAT BLOODY TOM CRUISE" BUT,NO IT WASN'T THAT KIND OF WHIMPER--SHE WAS UPSET IN HER SLEEP--TURNS OUT IT WAS SOME WOMAN THING--YOU KNOW, A DOG GETTING RUNOVER OR THE CREDIT CARD'S OVER ITS LIMIT,THOSE THINGS THAT WOMEN GET UPSET ABOUT---BUT CAN'T DREAMS BE REAL ?

I SLEPT ON THE FLOOR LASTNIGHT,
HAVING HAD MY FILL OF BEER.
I'D JUST DOZED OFF,WHEN I AWOKE,
SHAKING,WET WITH FEAR.
I'D HAD THIS REALLY ROTTEN DREAM
ITS STORY I WILL TELL
AND WHEN I'VE FINISHED TELLING IT
YOU'LL FEEL MY FEAR AS WELL.

I DREAMPT THIS GREAT BIG FUNNELWEB,
WAS CLIMBING ON ME BED.
IT HAD GREAT BIG FURRY TENTACLES
AND A MASSIVE HAIRY HEAD.
IT HAD EYES AS BIG AS SAUCERS
AND TEETH LIKE A MONSTER SHARK,
AS IT SLOWLY CRAWLED ALL OVER ME
IT LET OUT THIS FRIGHTENING BARK

IT STOOD THERE,TOWERING OVER ME.
GOD,DID I FEEL SMALL
ITS LEGS, THEY STRADDLED OVER ME BED,
AND IT WAS TWICE AS BLOODY TALL.
I HAD NO CLUE OF WHAT TO DO,
I JUST LAY THERE, I WAS FROZEN.
IT DIDN'T SEEM,IT WAS JUST A DREAM
AND I WAS ONLY DOZING.

ANYWAY,I DECIDED
TO GET ON THE ATTACK.
BUT TELL BE FOLKS WHAT COULD I DO
HERE LYING,ON ME BACK?
BUT I HAD ME TEETH,
SO I BIT IT.
WHAT A BLOODY WAIL.
AND PEOPLE THATS WHEN I AWOKE,
CHEWING MY DOGS TAIL.

TAKING TRIPS TO BALI

I WROTE A POEM SOME TIME AGO, ABOUT A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS- CALLED "TAKING DOPE TO BALI"--BALI,ONCE AGAIN HAS BEEN ROCKED BY TERRORISTS-BASTARDS THAT DON'T WANT TO LIVE THE SAME KIND OF LIVES WE DO,AND WANT TO TELL US THAT WE SHOULDN'T LIVE THAT WAY EITHER.I'VE NEVER BEEN TO BALI,BUT PEOPLE TELL ME THAT THE PEOPLE OF BALI ARE THE MOST LOVELY PEOPLE YOU COULD EVER WISH TO MEET.THREE YEARS AGO THIS MONTH,EIGHTYTWO AUSTRALIANS WERE BLOWN TO PIECES BY TERRORISTS,AND AGAIN THIS MONTH,OCTOBER ONCE AGAIN,AUSTRALIANS ARE BRINGING THEIR DEAD HOME TO BURY.
A SIGN ON A RIVER SAID-"NO SWIMMING,CROCODILES LIVE HERE"-SOME SILLY BUGGER DIVED IN AND GOT TAKEN--AND WE ALL SAID "WHAT A DOPE"--"DON'T SWIM HERE,SHARK INFESTED" WELL,IF YOU GET TAKEN--I GUESS YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE IN THERE."STAY AWAY FROM EDGE OF CLIFF--UNSAFE"---"ARE YOU SURE?I THINK I'LL JUST CHECK IT OUT AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH.ANOTHER SILLY BUGGER BITES THE DUST.-----"THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT WISH TO LET ALL ITS PEOPLE KNOW THAT THEY RECCOMEND THAT ALL NONESSENTIAL TRAVEL TO INDONESIA INCLUDING BALI--SHOULD BE AVOIDED"---THAT IS THE OFFICIAL WORD FROM OUR LEADERS--BUT STILL WE HEAR OF PEOPLE SAYING THEY ARE GOING TO GO THERE.WELL,WHAT DOES IT TAKE ? I KNOW THAT IF WE GIVE IN AND STAY AT HOME--THE TERRORISTS WIN--BUT ,THERE ARE MANY, MANY PLACES ON THIS WONDERFUL PLANET OF OURS THAT WE CAN GO FOR A HOLIDAY,WITHOUT THE NEED TO BE LOOKING OVER OUR SHOULDERS ALL THE TIME,WHERE WE CAN SIT AND EAT OR HAVE A DRINK,WITHOUT WONDERING IF THE FRIGGING PLACE IS GOING TO BLOW UP AND TAKE HALF OF OUR FAMILY WITH IT.THE PEOPLE OF BALI MAY WELL BE LOVELY,BUT SO ARE MY FAMILY,SO ARE MY FRIENDS AND MY ADVICE TO THEM IS TO STAY AWAY FROM THE BLOODY PLACE.
BUT SHOULD YOU DECIDE TO GO,LET ME TELL YOU,SHOULD YOU GET BLOWN UP,PLEASE DON'T BE CRYING ON TELEVISION,PLEASE DON'T BE SAYING THAT THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT ARE DOING NOTHING TO HELP YOU.PLEASE DON'T ASK THAT SPECIAL AIRCRAFT BE SENT TO PICK YOU UP BECAUSE YOU'VE SHIT YOURSELF AND WANT TO GET OUT OF THE PLACE.THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT HAVE DONE ALL YOU'VE ASKED OF THEM--THEY TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM THE PLACE.TERRORISTS--DRUG SUGGLERS--CHICKEN FLU--DEATH AND BODY PARTS--GIVE ME BUTLINS ANYTIME