THAT CHICS GOT HAIRY LEGS(a cheerleaders love song)

What ever next? Parramatta have now got blokes in their cheerleader squad.Fair dinkum, what's a bloke wants to skip around in lycra waving pom-poms around for?I must say from the outset,that I don't believe in cheerleaders in the first place--how you can relate scoring a goal,a try or a basket (depending on the sport) to girls skipping around with next to no clothes on I don't know---But now after all these years of attractive girls doing it--to throw blokes into the mix,well I don't really know what the world is coming to.I blame the bloody yanks--we didn't have cheergirls years ago--Manchester United have done very well thankyou without having naked woman jumping around--we worry about footballers taking advantage of women--and then we dangle them half naked in front of them--but as if to confuse us now--BLOKES--give me a break.

THAT CHICS GOT HAIRY LEGS (a cheerleaders love song)

CAN YOU FEEL THE SEASON COMING?
CAN YOU SMELL IT IN THE AIR?
WE'VE BEEN COUNTING DOWN THE MONTHS,THE DAYS
YIPEEE-----ITS NEARLY HERE.
THE COACHING STAFF ARE READY.
AND ALL THE PLAYERS LOOKING SLEEK.
CHEERGIRLS DUST YOUR POM-POMS OFF
AND GIVE US ALL A PEEK.

THAT ONES LOOKING GOOD THIS YEAR,
ITS NICE TO SEE HER BACK.
THAT OTHER ONE IS NEW,I THINK
BUT SHE SEEMS TO HAVE THE KNACK.
OH!I LIKE THE ONE WHO'S NEXT TO HER,
NICE BUM AND SHAPELY PEGS.
HANG ON,WAIT A MINUTE
"THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LEGS"
CH
OH THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LEGS,I SAID
THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LEGS.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE BEST THERE WAS,
BUT THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LEGS.

WAVE YOUR TASSLES IN THE AIR
AND SHAKE YOUR BUTT ABOUT.
"PARRA--PARRA--PARRA"
COME ON GIRLS,LETS HEAR YOU SHOUT.
THAT BIRD IN THE MIDDLE,SHE STILL LOOKS GOOD,
SEE THE WAY SHE SWINGS HER HIPS?
I THINK I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE AGAIN,
OH NO! THE CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LIPS!
CH
OH THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LIPS,I SAID
THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LIPS.
I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE AGAIN
BUT THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LIPS.

POM-POMS IN AND POM-POMS OUT.
RIGHT NOW,ANOTHER WRIGGLE.
"TRY-TRY-TRY" LETS HEAR YOU CRY,
THEN, GIVE A LITTLE GIGGLE.
WITH HAIRY LEGS,AND HAIRY LIPS,
I STILL SAY SHE'S THE BEST.
"COME ON BABY,TURN AROUND"
OH NO! THE POOR GIRLS GOT NO CHEST.
CH
OH THAT POOR GIRLS GOT NO CHEST,I SAID
THAT POOR GIRLS GOT NO CHEST.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE BEST I SAID,
BUT THE POOR GIRLS GOT NO CHEST.

BUT I LOVE MY HAIRY CHEERGIRL STILL,
SHE CAN'T HELP THE WAY SHE IS.
AND I'D DO ANYTHING I COULD
TO MEET MY SPECIAL MISS.
"TELL ME GIRLS WHATS HER NAME?
WOULD YOU PLEASE INTRODUCE?"
"CERTAINLY" THE GIRLS ALL REPLIED
"WE'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BRUCE."

"WHAT/"

"WE SAID WE'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BRUCE"

CH
WELL,ITS A STRANGE OLD WORLD WE LIVE IN,
AND I FEEL A LITTLE QUEER.
BUT I'D NEVER SEEN A BLOKE BEFORE
WAVE POM-POMS,IN THE AIR

INNACURE INJACKULATION

Isn' it incredible the stuff they advertise on radio these days?You can be riding along in your car and on will come an ad for any kind of cure, or preventative measure for any of natures little cruelties.Advice ?--All the advice for this and that--check your breasts,check your nuts,get your best friend, the doctor, to stick his finger up your bum and check your prostate. Take a sample of your stool to the chemist and they can not only tell you what you ate three days before,but they'll diagnose all sorts of things.
Kids want to know the whole lot too--"whats that mean Dad?" "whats that for Mum ?"--and honestly at times we don't know what to say or where to hide.


INNACURE INJACKULATION

"GOOD MORNING AND WELCOME TO RADIO 2 WEE 2 WOO,
YES FOLKS WE'RE ON THE AIR
AND THE SHOW TODAY IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY ADULT HEALTH,AND MEDICARE.
LADIES,HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR BREASTS FOR LUMPS?
AND GENTLEMEN-YOUR PROSTATE?
INFACT,CHECK YOURSELF ALL OVER
BEFORE IT'S ALL TOO LATE.
DO YOU SUFFER FROM PREMATURE EJACULATION
WITH MUM IN THE BEDROOM?
DO YOU LEAVE HER THERE,UP IN THE AIR,
WHEN IT'S OVER ALL TOO SOON?"

"WHAT'S THAT MEAN DAD?"
HE ASKED,WHILST DRIVING TO THE SHOP.
"WHAT'S WHAT MEAN SON?"SAID I
FOR HE'D CAUGHT ME ON THE HOP.
"THAT MAN,WHAT THAT MAN SAID DAD,
THERE,ON THE RADIO STATION.
HE WAS TALKING,AND ASKED IF YOU HAD
INNACURE INJACKULATION."

"OH NO" I THOUGHT,I SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED,
BUT,I'D THOUGHT IT ALL TOO LATE,
I KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT,
EVEN THOUGH HE'S ONLY EIGHT.
SO,I DID WHAT ANY CARING DAD WOULD DO,
WITH NO ROCK TO CLIMB BENEATH.
I EXPLAINED IN EVERY DETAIL-
BY LYING THROUGH ME TEETH.

"INNACURE INJACKULATION,SON,
IS ALL ABOUT THE CAR.
AND IF YOU SOON DON'T GET IT FIXED
YOU CAN'T DRIVE VERY FAR.
IT'LL MAKE THE ENGINE SHAKE AND RATTLE
THEN GIVE A COUGH AND SPURT.
THE RADIATOR WILL OVERHEAT
AND GIVE A MIGHTY SQUIRT."

"WELL THATS ODD DAD" HE INTERUPTS
"OH NO!,OH NO!" I THOUGHT,
THINKING THAT I'D PUT AN END TO IT,
BUT NOW IT SEEMS I'M CAUGHT.
"THAT MAN SAID,IN THE BEDROOM DAD,
SO TELL ME DAD,HOW COME
YOU GOT THE CAR INTO THE HOUSE
AND,WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO WITH MUM?"

THIS HOLE WAS GETTING DEEPER,
AND MY FACE WAS GOING RED,
JUST HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN TO A KID
WHAT'S GOING ON IN BED.
"I TELL YOU SON,I DON'T KNOW,
BUT AS ONE MAN TO ANOTHER,
JUST AS SOON AS WE GET HOME
-----GO AND ASK YOUR MOTHER."

I'D LOVE A PIE WITH MUSHY PEAS

I NEVER USED TO HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM--I WAS ALWAYS A HEALTHY LOOKING SPECIMAN.I COULD EAT WHAT I WANTED AND AS MUCH OF IT AS I WANTED.THEN SOMETHING WENT VERY WRONG,INSTEAD OF PASSING IT ALL OUT OF MY BODY IN THE USUAL MANNER,IT ALL DECIDED TO STAY WITHIN ME, AND HANG OVER MY BELT.AT MUCH THE SAME TIME HAIR STOPPED GROWING ON MY HEAD AND STARTED SHOOTING OUT OF MY NOSE AND EARS--MY BELLY BEGAN TO OBSTRUCT THE VIEW OF MY PRIVATE PARTS UNLESS I LAY FLAT ON MY BACK.SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE-I WENT TO THE DOCTOR--TYPE TWO DIABETES,OVERWEIGHT,HIGH CHOLESTEROL AND A HEART THAT LIKES TO BEAT WHEN IT WANTS TO RATHER THAN WHEN IT SHOULD.OTHER THAN THAT I WAS FINE.THE OBVIOUS, WAS THE PROGNOSIS--A DIET WAS REQUIRED--WHICH I EMBARKED UPON-------BUT,

I'D LOVE A PIE,WITH MUSHY PEAS

I'D LOVE A PIE,WITH MUSHY PEAS,
OR ROAST BEEF WITH YORKSHIRE PUD.
FOLLOWED ON,BY SPOTTED DICK
AND CUSTARD IF I COULD.
PERHAPS A COLD SCOTCH EGG,WITH H.P SAUCE
AND,A PLATE OF FISH'N'CHIPS.
THE FOOD I'VE EATEN ALL MY LIFE,
SEE? ITS HANGING OFF ME HIPS.

"YOU'LL HAVE TO LOSE A STONE" HE SAID,
THE DOCTOR,"TUT,TUT,TUT,
YOU'LL GIVE YORSELF A HEART ATTACK
CARRYING AROUND THAT ARSE AND GUT."
WELL,HE COULD HAVE PUT IT NICER,I THOUGHT,
BUT I GUESS HE TELLS THE TRUTH.
I'M OVERWEIGHT,MY SUGARS HIGH
AND CHOLESTEROL'S THROUGH THE ROOF.

"SO WHATS THE ANSWER DOC?"
I ASK,IN A VOICE SOMEWHAT QUIET,
"WE'LL HAVE TO CUT THE RUBBISH OUT,
AND,YOU'RE GOING ON A DIET.
YOU'LL NEED TO RUN TEN MILES A DAY,
TAKE A PILL FOR THIS AND THAT
IF THAT DON'T WORK,WE'LL STICK IN A TUBE
AND SUCK OUT ALL THE FAT."

NOW ITS CARDBOARD FLAKES FOR BREAKFAST,
THERE'LL BE LETTUCE LEAVES FOR LUNCH.
APPLES IN THE AFTERNOON
AND SPINACH BY THE BUNCH
PRUNE JUICE GIVES ME DIARRHOEA,
NOW,THATS NOT GOOD FOR THE HEART.
I'M SICK OF BLOODY LEGUMES
ALL THEY DO IS MAKE ME FART.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M BLOODY MISERABLE,
EATING ALL THIS HEALTHY SHITE,
WHATS A LIFE WITH NO CHIPS OR CHOCOLATE?
TELL ME,IT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
BUT THE DOCTOR SAYS I'M DOING FINE.
FRIENDS SAY I'M LOOKING GREAT,
"SVELT AND HANDSOME" THATS WHAT THEY SAID
SINCE I DROPPED A BIT OF WEIGHT.

BUT,I'D LOVE A PIE,WITH MUSHY PEAS,
OR ROAST BEEF AND YORKSHIRE PUD.
FOLLOWED ON BY SPOTTED DICK
AND CUSTARD IF I COULD.
PERHAPS A COLD SCOTCH EGG,WITH H.P SAUCE
AND A PLATE OF FISH AND CHIPS,
THE FOOD I'VE EATEN ALL MY LIFE,
NO LONGER PASS MY LIPS------------AND,I JUST WANT TO DIE.

I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

About 42 years ago,just after I started at The Queens School For Boys in Wisbech (UK)I was stumbled upon by two of my teachers,Mr Derek Tuckwood and Mr John Raincock-they discovered my talent for writing verse--Poetry has been with me ever since.
Derek Tuckwood (who for some reason called it poy-etry-something I've heard from not another person since) convinced me at the tender age of 12 that I was brilliant and for some reason for the next few years had me cramming the school magazine with my crap.John Raincock my religious instruction teacher also formed the opinion that I was the worlds next Wordsworth,even though I didn't know or care who he(Wordsworth) was.Anyway,it was these two wise men that convinced me,and indeed sent me on the errand of saving the world.For forty plus years that's what I've done--if I've seen an injustice in the world--I've written a silly verse about it,pestered everyone with it,totally convinced that once everyone had read it the problem would be solved.
Bollocks--nobody took any notice-I've been writing and versing myself silly for all those years--and its made no difference at all.There were wars,starving,dying,sick,poor,thieves,murders,injustice and all these bloody things when I started---AND THE BLOODY LOT ARE STILL THERE---I've made no difference at all.Hence the lack of poetic wonderment from me for the past six months.I'm fed up.I'm fed up with not being listened to.So,I had to take a rest.I had to cool off------------and now--I'm back.

"I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE"

I,WAS ONLY TWELVE WHEN I STARTED TO WRITE,
YOU SEE,I JUST DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.
WITH ME SEEING ALL THE WRONG IN THE WORLD
IT WAS OBVIOUS,I WAS "THE VOICE"
I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
AND SAVE ALL, FROM THEIR FATE.
ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS LISTEN,
BUT NOW?--IT SEEMS TOO LATE.

I COULD HAVE FED THE STARVING,CLOTHED THE POOR,
AND SAVED THE WORLD FROM WARS
NO CHILD ABUSE OR HOMELESS
DRUGGIES,DRUNKS OR WHORES.
I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE,
ALL THE PROBLEMS TO ME,SEEMED PLAIN.
I WAS THE ONE,WITH ALL THE ANSWERS
THE REST OF YOU?--INSANE.

I WAS COLOURBLIND,YET,WITH PERFECT SITE
AND SAW NO BLACK AND WHITE.
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR JESUS IF YOU WANT.
BUT IF YOU DON'T,WELL? THAT'S ALLRIGHT.
I WAS SURE I COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE,
TO OUR WORLD,BIG ENOUGH TO SHARE,
AND LET ALL,LIVE THE WAY THEY WANT TO
WITHOUT THE THREAT OF FEAR.

I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
MORE THAN FORTY YEARS AGO
WHEN I STARTED PUTTING WORDS DOWN
TO LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW.
BUT I DIDN'T,NO,I DIDN'T,
SEEMS I'M THE SAME AS ALL THE REST,
ANOTHER BLOODY KNOW ALL,
THAT TRIED ,BUT FAILED THE TEST.

NO-ONE CHOSE TO LISTEN,
OR READ MY WRITTEN VERSE.
AND IF THE WORLD WAS BAD IN THOSE DAYS
TODAY,I FEAR ITS WORSE.
MY WORDS,HAVE MADE NO DIFFERENCE,
THOUGH I'VE TRIED,AND TRIED AGAIN.
BUT THE MORE I KEEP ON TRYING,
THE GREATER MY WORLD'S PAIN.

BUT,WE ALL COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE
IF WE WANTED TO,I GUESS,
START TOGETHER IF WE CAN
AND SORT OUT THIS BLOODY MESS.
WHERE TO BEGIN,THATS THE PROBLEM
THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO,ITS TRUE
BUT,IT HAS TO ALL START SOMEWHERE,
MIGHT AS WELL BE ME AND YOU.