DAGGIE BETTY'S GUESTHOUSE

One good thing about being the other side of the planet is,that you can have a bit of fun with people,without fear of getting a smack of the ear from someone. This poem is a bit of fun with a couple of people who run a boarding house/Guesthouse/ B and B or whatever you may call it in your part of the world.--I don't think much of its true ,although Daggie Betty (name changed--just a little) does keep such an establishment--and her husband Roy (name not changed) does play the organ. I've known Roy for many years (about 45) but he wouldn't know me from a bar of soap--Roy was one of those sporting heros at school that everyone knew,whereas I was a Neville Nobody that hardly anyone knew. These days its easy to get known if you're a nobody,you take a gun to school ,kill a few and then everyone knows you----we didn't do that in my day. Anyway,just a bit of fun in-------

DAGGIE BETTY'S GUESTHOUSE.

It all began with a "tap,tap,tap"
as we knocked at The Guesthouse door,
on a cold,bitter English afternoon
around three-thirty or four.
"Wot yew want?" she said
as she answered in her vest
showing "Betty Loves Marc Bolan"
fadingly tatood, on her chest.

They call it "Daggie Betty's Guesthouse"
Its on the main road out to Lynn.
Where late at night,when the bed bugs bite
you can hear an awful din.
Toccata and Fugue,in D minor,
Betty accompanying with "hummmms"
Roys playing with his organ,
some Bach,with electric drums.

"We'd like a room,just for the night"
(kind of wishing we had a choice)
"that'll be a hundred quid"
she replied,in her Norfolk voice.
"I've had your sort in here before" she said
"so I'll have it in advance,
you'll eat and sleep,then bugger of
if given half a chance."

"and we don't allow no smokin,
there'll be no kids,or pets
Two minutes in the shower,
and no noisy screaming sex.
Be through the door by eleven,
or you'll find yerself locked out
Breakfast's served at seven,
so if yer late yew'll go without."

"Oh well" we thought,"after all its just a bed"
Its not like we're moving in,
we were tired cold and hungry
and patience wearing thin.
So,we paid,and settled for the night,
(barely afraid to fart)
When right at midnight,on the dot
we were woken,with a start.

"Please release me let me go,"
What the hell was that?
It was singing,thats what it was
though sounding more like a strangled cat.
"For I don't love you anymore"
bloody hell mate,it was crook!
So we crept out of our bedroom
to go,and take a look.

As we quietly ambled down the stairs
doing our best,not to intrude.
There was Roy,with his organ
and Betty,in the nude.
It really was romantic
but,its not as it suggests
it seems they do it every night
to scare away the guests.

They call it Daggie Betty's Guesthouse,
Its on the main road out to Lynn
Where late at night,when the bed bugs bite
you can hear an awful din.
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor
Betty accompanying with "hummmms"
Roys playing with his organ
Some Bach,with electric drums.

little wonder you pay in advance

THE CARER

"THE CARER"
Has anyone ever calculated the gazillions of dollars,pounds or whatever may be your local currency,people who care for the ill outside of institutions save the government? The children born with illness that prevents them from living a normal life,the aged,the injured,all of those that,but for the love of a carer would be in institutions.Those that love these people unconditionaly,that tend them for years on end,with little help,be it financially or even respite just to have a week or so's rest.Little wonder we read more than often,situations where out of desparation these carers break.All the years without a life of their own,and with no recognition from those that have no idea what it is like to have that kind of life. Neither do I. I have no idea what it would be like.The other day in my local town of Windsor (NSW Australia) I saw a grown man crying on the shoulder of another,older man. It could have been his dad,but I think it may have been his carer,as there were a few such souls in the street that day,I think it may have been some kind of excursion for them. I watched how this man consoled the crying man,I watched around at others,helping adult children eat,walk--------these people are the salt of the earth. These carers, and parents that give up their lives for the ones they love.

"THE CARER"

"Mummy,Mummy,I'm frightened Mummy."
"Shhhh," she said,"there, there"
As she gently stroked his head
and wiped away a tear.
"Just one more sleep,it's your birthday."
"Will I be Mummy's great big boy?"
"yes,you are,"she said,"you are,
and your Mummy's pride and joy."

And he drifted to a restless sleep.
She grabbed that small release,
It had been a long and weary day
with little,if any peace.
Sitting by his bed,in quiet reflection.
Fifty years,they'd hardly flown,
since he was born,she'd been left to care
for Michael all alone.

"Who will watch him when I've gone?
Will anybody care?
Who will hold him when he cries
or when he wakes and shakes with fear ?
Who will wash and feed him
and tuck him in his bed?
Who will sing him lullabies,
when his mothers dead?"

She was tired,and she was lonely,
she would scream,but who would hear?
Without the help she needed
couldn't face another year.
Michael,shifted in his sleep.
She watched,and wished again
that she had the nerve to do what would
take away their fear and pain.

"Open wide for Mummy
,here comes an airoplane.
There's one for you,and one for me,
and,here comes the plane again."
When the bottle lay there empty,
she climed up on his bed,
put his head on her shoulder
as she gently whispered said.

"You're my angel,you're my sunshine,
you're the reason that I breathe,
I just couldn't go without you
so,together we shall leave.
"Shhh," she said "Its over"
as she gently,stroked his face.
then,they drifted off together,
to a much more caring place.


for Stanley and his Mum

AN INVITATION TO A PARTY

Global warming--Climate Change--the ozone layer,farting cows and fumes from cars have all been worrying me of late. Everyone is telling we are doomed,and it must be true because Al Gore got a Nobel Prize for it being so (even if on the same day a judge in England declared half of his movie was based on crap.) I choose to ignore the whole thing--when they decide the end is near I'm going to throw a great big party and you are all invited.

You're Invited to a party

(refrain)
We are burning,we are burning
Climate change and Global warming
What can we do,what can we do?

"What ?--I'll tell you what to do

Just stick your head between your legs
and kiss your arse goodbye.
we're all bound for oblivion
no time for hue and cry.
We'll go out with a party
get pissed,put on a show.
The World is stuffed,its had enough
Cause Al Gore told me so.

Its the farting cows that did it,
they've buggered up the world.
gone and eaten all the ozone
and all hell has been unfurled.
With the water levels rising
all the trees are falling down.
Polar bears are skating on thin ice,
and we all are going to drown.

So,stick your head between your legs
and kiss your arse goodbye.
The Sun is getting hotter
and we all are going to fry.
But,we're putting on a party
getting "pished" as well you know,
Its right,its on the news at night
plus,Al Gore told me so.

Don't drive your car,or take a plane
It will help to stop disease.
But,you can do anything you want
if you plant a thousand trees.
So,its don't do this,and don't do that
AAAGGGGHHHHH I've had e-bloody-nough
Cause I'm sure this pain,called climate change
is one big bloody bluff.

So,lets stick our legs,over our heads
and kiss our arse goodbye.
We're all bound for oblivion,
Its slow fry,then we die.
Yep,we're having this big party
kick our legs up as we go.
It must be true,I'm telling you
Cause Al Gore told me so.

Yes it must be true,I'm telling you
Cause Al Gore told me so.

(refrain)
We are burning,we are burning
Climate Change and Global Warming
What can we do,what can we do ?
"Hic-Hic--zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ"

THE BLACK DOG

Depression is something many of us suffer at times,I have,Julie has,and at the moment some others,very close to us are too,on both sides of the world
Most of the time you don't know why the hell you feel the way you do,you just do--and the usual help from friends and relatives goes something along these lines,"You'll be O k"--or you might get "just pull yourself together"--a classic "what have you got to be depressed about?"-------fact is you don't know,you can't help it and you sure as hell would if you could.
I did get over mine pretty quick,after taking pills that had me walking around like a zombie for a couple of weeks,I did manage to summon the strength to manage myself,and get myself into a position where I was able to help myself.
In Australia we have The Black Dog Institute (do a google search any of you that feel they can help you) a society that are a great help to anyone suffering depression and other such ailments--------------

THE BLACK DOG.

THEY CREPT INTO MY MIND
LIKE I JUST WASN'T THERE.
NO INVITE,OR PERMIT I GIVE,
BUT THEY CLOSED ALL THE BLINDS
AND DARKENED THE WALLS,
THEY INVADED,MY WORLD WHERE I LIVE.

WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
THESE DOGS THAT HAUNT ME
THAT HOWL,--IN A SILENT DIN.
AS THEY SLAM ALL MY DOORS,
SCRATCH MY MIND WITH THEIR PAWS
AND SCRAMBLE MY FEELINGS WITHIN.

NOT A FLICKER OF SUN
IN MY LIFE THAT IS SPUN
AROUND DARKNESS,WITH NO LIGHT ABOVE
BUT IS COVERED BY SHROUDS
OF DARKENING CLOUDS
AND BLIND,TO ANOTHER ONES LOVE.

ANSWERS,JUST LEAD TO MORE QUESTIONS,
CAN I FIND THE STRENGTH
AND THE NEED
TO REACH OUT, AND TO FIGHT,
CAN I SUMMON THE MIGHT,
RID MYSELF OF THE DOG,AND BE FREED?

IS THERE LIGHT
AT THE END OF MY TUNNEL?
OR GOLD,AT MY RAINBOWS END?
IS THERE PEACE TO BE FOUND
FROM THIS FESTERING HOUND?
CAN THE DOG,ONCE AGAIN BE MY FRIEND?

STAY WITH ME
LETS FIGHT THROUGH MY BATTLE
FOR TO LEAVE ME,WOULD JUST MAKE THINGS WORSE
PLEASE HELP,IF YOU CAN
UNCOVER THE MAN
IN THE GRIPS OF THE DOG,AND ITS CURSE.

I DONT WANT A BIGGER PENIS (just who told you I did?)

Spam.-----I'd never heard of it.Well,I had but as all over 50's will tell you,the Spam we knew came in a can and went really well with H P Sauce.But now,now that I've become a techno new age guy,I have a new use for the word--that is,crap emails--stuff that used to be hanging out of your letterbox when you came home (and still does) now jumps out at you from your "inbox".Where do these people get the idea that you need such things.I've had thirty different people this week tell me they can make my Willie bigger,twenty approved home loans,I've won fifty lotteries,been left thirtyseven fortunes by long lost uncles in Botswana,and had umpteen Russian Babes tell me that "they want for to make love with me" Brilliant,but where does all this come from? Turn on you computer in the morning "You have 28 new messages"---I sure do,27 of mixed above mentioned, and one from someone else that has heard I'm very obese and that they can assure me I can lose 25 lbs in a week---sure I can,if I have my left arm amputated--I give you

I DON'T WANT A BIGGER PENIS (just who told you I did ?)

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS STUFF CALLED SPAM,
BECAUSE,I'M NO COMPUTER GEEK.
"YOUR HOUSING LOAN ,HAS BEEN APPROVED"
GREAT,THATS THE FIFTEENTH ONE THIS WEEK.
"MR SMYTHE HAS DIED IN BOTSWANA
AND,HE'S LEFT YOU ALL HE'S WORTH.
I WILL SEND IT ALL ON TO YOU,
IF YOU SEND ME,FIVE HUNDRED FIRST"
WELL,THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BARGAIN,
"THANK YOU,YOU ARE VERY KIND,AND
I'LL REMEMBER YOUR FINE OFFER,
SHOULD,I EVER LOSE MY MIND."

"HOORAY,HOORAY"----I'VE WON THE LOTTO,
SO,THE BOSS CAN GO AND STICK IT.
I'VE JUST RECIEVED AN EMAIL,SAID
"YOU'VE GOT THE WINNING TICKET."
I'M RICH,I'M RICH,I'M RICH AT LAST
(AS I ERUPT,INTO HYSTERIA)
HANG ON---------WAIT A MINUTE,
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO NIGERIA.

"HELLO,NAME IS ME NATALIA,
AND AM FOR LOVE ME WITH YOU,
ME LIVE ALL LONG WAY,FROM RUSSIA
AND WANT ME FOR LOVE YOU TOO"
"WHAT!!!!!"
"HELLO,NAME IS ME NATALIA,
AND AM FOR LOVE ME WITH YOU,
ME LIVE ALL ONG WAY,FROM RUSSIA
AND WANT ME FOR LOVE YOU TOO"
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THE EMAIL SAID.
AND,ALTHOUGH SHE SOUNDED SWEET
"SORRY NATALIA,I'M A MARRIED MAN"
TYPE--ENTER--SEND---DELETE.

NO,I DON'T WANT TO BUY VIAGRA,
TO LAST LONGER FROM THE START.
WE LIKE TO GET IT OVER QUICK,
PLUS---I'VE GOT A DICKIE HEART.
"GROW THREE MORE INCHES QUICKLY,
GIVE YOUR WIFE MUCH MORE DELIGHT,
POP THESE PILLS,THEN GO TO BED
HEY PRESTO--IT'LL HAPPEN OVERNIGHT."
I DON'T WANT A BIGGER PENIS,AND
JUST WHO TOLD YOU I DID?
I'M HAPPY WITH THE ONE I'VE GOT
AND WOULDN'T SWAP FOR QUIDS.

MY PURRR-FECT FRIEND (a poem for Clancy)

You know what? I feel really ripped off.For about fifty years now,I've had no real love affair-with an animal (except for a rather attractive sheep I once met whilst on holiday in Wales-or was it New Zealand ?) Sure I have dogs,cats and birds and all that---but not since I was five or six can I say I've really loved an animal.
We had lots of rabbits when I was a lad--and I used to rush home from school each day and sit in the rabbit pen with them all.There was this special blue rabbit,it was different to all the rest--and I loved that rabbit.Every day my rabbit (I can't remember if it had a name)would come up and eat from my hands--I'd push all the other rabbits away,and just spend time with my blue rabbit. One day I came home and went to the run--and my rabbit wasn't there,come to think of it,not many of the other rabbits were there either. Dad was very sad that my rabbit wasn't there--infact so sad,that he gave me "Big Ben" who was the biggest rabbit he had.
I Didn't find out till some time later that dad was infact the breeder of rabbits for the local butchers.Well,at the age of five or six, parents tend not to tell you those things don't they? So my pet blue rabbit ended up on some buggers plate with sage and onion stuffing up its backside.I never got over it.(children,if your dad happens to be the local rabbit breeder for butchers,and you fall in love with one of his rabbits,for goodness sake,tell him)
Dad died when I was about twelve,and in early married life,we lost two babies-so the loss of a pet,after losing family--didn't ever seem that big to me.I love animals,I'd never see them hurt--but seeing people so sad and upset at the loss of one,is something I've not been able to relate to.
We have an old dog Bess,a mongrel-that must be anything between 15 and 18 years of age.She will not die.We have a younger dog LuLu that certainly will die very shortly if she keeps digging my lawn up.
A internet friend of mine,Clancy,had his cat Tony (no relation) die this past week.I feel for Clancy as I feel for all who lose something dear to them.I write this poem for Clancy,trying very hard to put myself in the position of having such a loss.

MY PURRR-FECT FRIEND

YOUR DISH,IT STILL SITS BY THE DOOR,
AND,YOUR BLANKET LIES OVER THE CHAIR.
IT SEEMS SO STRANGE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
TO WAKE,AND YOU'RE NOT THERE.
SEVENTEEN YEARS IS A LONG,LONG TIME,
SO MY TEARS,I WON'T DEFEND.
AS I CRY,MY HEART IS BROKEN
FOR YOU,WERE MY PURRR-FECT FRIEND.

"THERE YOU GO BOY,
SHHHH,YOU'RE FREE AT LAST.
NO MORE PAIN AND NEEDLES
ALL THOSE,ARE IN THE PAST.
THERE YOU ARE,IN PUSSY HEAVEN,
NOW AS AN ANGEL YOU ASCEND,
BUT TONY,IN YOUR TIME ON EARTH
YOU WERE,MY PURRR-FECT FRIEND."

IN MY MEMORIES OF YOU,AS A KITTEN
I GOT CRANKY,I MUST CONFESS.
WHEN AT TIMES, I'D COME HOME
TO FIND A SMELLY MESS.
BUT THE YEARS,THEY FLEW,YOU GREW OLD TOO FAST
NOW,AS A STAR I SEE YOU GLITTER.
AND THINK OF YOU,WHEN YOU NEED TO GO
IN CLOUDS,OF KITTY-LITTER.

AND,I GUESS YOU FOUND ME SPECIAL TOO,
AS YOU SPENT YOUR LIFE ,WITH MINE
KNOWING I COULD GIVE BUT ONE
WHEN YOU GAVE ME ALL NINE.
SO THANKYOU FOR "THE GIFT OF YEARS"
AND OF THE LOVE I COULD DEPEND.
ALWAYS,YOU WERE THERE FOR ME,
FOR YOU WERE,MY PURRR-FECT FRIEND.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A PLACE FOR YOU
LAPPING AT MY HEART.
A FUR-BALL IN MY MEMORY
THAT NEVER WILL DEPART.
SO,ITS WITH CRYING EYES,AND SAD GOODBYE'S
FOR MY HEART,I NOW MUST MEND.
BUT,I'VE LOVED YOU,AND I'LL MISS YOU,
FOR YOU WERE,MY PURRR-FECT FRIEND.

HAWKESBURY HEARTBREAK

To those of you who don't really know me,or the area in which I live.I live in an area of New South Wales, Australia,called The Hawkesbury--we're at the foot of The Blue Mountains on The Nepean/Hawkesbury river.My area has some of the richest fertile soil in Australia,mainly because it is an area that is regularly flooded.Upstream of our river is the mighty Warragamba Dam that provides Sydney with the bulk of its water.As I said it floods regularly--floods have been measured at the bridge in my town of Windsor for many many years.and looking back over the records today--I discovered that the longest it had ever gone without a flood was 1904-1916--or 12 years.That was until now--our last flood was in 1992.I remember it well,I was one of the last people allowed over the river to go home,before the bridge was closed for days-keeping people trapped one side or the other from their homes or work.
The Warragamba Dam was full to overflow. Crops in the area below the Dam were ruined,stock lost--lives lost too--I remember all to well a local farmer losing his wife as she tried to rescue horses from the flood.Obviously too,after the flood many were out of work as farms were flooded and ruined. It was a Hawkesbury Heartbreak.At the moment our dam is just over 30% full,we have water restrictions.Not allowed to wash cars--we can water our gardens a couple of hours just two days a week--and not with a sprinkler--we have to stand there with the hose--but it hasn't always been like this as I reminisce with Hawkesbury Heartbreak.

HAWKESBURY HEARTBREAK

ITS RAINING IN THE MOUNTAINS
AND THE DAMS FULL TO ITS BRIM.
THERE'S AUTOMATIC OVERFLOW
AND ALL BELOW CAN SWIM.
ITS TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING
FARMERS WOKEN WITH THE NEWS.
THE BRIDGE IS OVER,BANKS ARE BROKE,
WATER,OVER LAND, AND PRODUCE SPEWS.
THE RAGING TORRENT SURGES ON,
TAKING ALL BEFORE,
THERE'S PANIC IN THE HAWKESBURY
STACKING SANDBAGS AT OUR DOORS.

A FARMER ROUNDS HIS HORSES UP,
WHILE HIS WIFE IS SWEPT AWAY.
ALL THIS BEFORE THE DAWNING
OF A FLOOD FORSAKEN DAY.
AND WHEN,DOES COME THE MORNING
THE TORMENT,THE HEARTACHE,
TO FIND WHERE WAS YOUR FARM,YOUR HOUSE
THERE'S NOTHING,BUT A LAKE.
NO WAY OF CROSSING BACK AGAIN
FOR,THERE IS NO BRIDGE AROUND.
FOR DAYS ON END WE'RE SPLIT APART
AS WE SEEK THE HIGHER GROUND.

PEOPLE STRANDED FROM THEIR WORK,
AND CHILDREN,GO WITHOUT.
A CRY GOES OUT FOR GOVERNMENT HELP
SEEMS LIKE THERE'S NONE OF IT ABOUT.
AND WHEN THE WATER TRICKLES OFF,
LEAVING SILT,AND MUD SOAKED LAND.
WHATS LEFT FOR SOME POOR FOLK TO DO,
BUT TO HOLD OUT A TREMBLING HAND.
AS A MAN STANDS AT THE BANK IN TEARS,
SAYING HIS LOAN CANNOT BE PAID.
CAN'T EVEN FEED HIS WIFE AND KIDS
BY THE MESS THIS FLOOD HAS MADE.

THE FARMER WALKS,WHATS LEFT OF IT
HEAD HELD IN HIS HAND.
LIKE A MAN WHO WAS A MIGHTY KING
NOW,CRESTFALLEN FROM HIS LAND.
IN HIS HANDS LIE THE FATE OF MEN
WHO FOR YEARS TOGETHER TOILED.
HOW MANY WILL HE LAY OFF NOW
THAT HIS LANDS BEEN SPOILED.
JOBS GONE,BY THE DOZENS
HE MEANS HIS MEN NO HARM.
BUT WHATS A MAN SUPPOSED TO DO
WHEN THERE'S NO WORK ON THE FARM?

ANOTHER HAWKESBURY HEARTBREAK,
IT'S HAPPENED THROUGHT THE YEARS,
AND EACH TIME AFTER,UP THEY GET
THEN ?-- WORK AWAY THEIR FEARS.

THAT CHICS GOT HAIRY LEGS(a cheerleaders love song)

What ever next? Parramatta have now got blokes in their cheerleader squad.Fair dinkum, what's a bloke wants to skip around in lycra waving pom-poms around for?I must say from the outset,that I don't believe in cheerleaders in the first place--how you can relate scoring a goal,a try or a basket (depending on the sport) to girls skipping around with next to no clothes on I don't know---But now after all these years of attractive girls doing it--to throw blokes into the mix,well I don't really know what the world is coming to.I blame the bloody yanks--we didn't have cheergirls years ago--Manchester United have done very well thankyou without having naked woman jumping around--we worry about footballers taking advantage of women--and then we dangle them half naked in front of them--but as if to confuse us now--BLOKES--give me a break.

THAT CHICS GOT HAIRY LEGS (a cheerleaders love song)

CAN YOU FEEL THE SEASON COMING?
CAN YOU SMELL IT IN THE AIR?
WE'VE BEEN COUNTING DOWN THE MONTHS,THE DAYS
YIPEEE-----ITS NEARLY HERE.
THE COACHING STAFF ARE READY.
AND ALL THE PLAYERS LOOKING SLEEK.
CHEERGIRLS DUST YOUR POM-POMS OFF
AND GIVE US ALL A PEEK.

THAT ONES LOOKING GOOD THIS YEAR,
ITS NICE TO SEE HER BACK.
THAT OTHER ONE IS NEW,I THINK
BUT SHE SEEMS TO HAVE THE KNACK.
OH!I LIKE THE ONE WHO'S NEXT TO HER,
NICE BUM AND SHAPELY PEGS.
HANG ON,WAIT A MINUTE
"THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LEGS"
CH
OH THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LEGS,I SAID
THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LEGS.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE BEST THERE WAS,
BUT THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LEGS.

WAVE YOUR TASSLES IN THE AIR
AND SHAKE YOUR BUTT ABOUT.
"PARRA--PARRA--PARRA"
COME ON GIRLS,LETS HEAR YOU SHOUT.
THAT BIRD IN THE MIDDLE,SHE STILL LOOKS GOOD,
SEE THE WAY SHE SWINGS HER HIPS?
I THINK I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE AGAIN,
OH NO! THE CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LIPS!
CH
OH THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LIPS,I SAID
THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LIPS.
I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE AGAIN
BUT THAT CHIC'S GOT HAIRY LIPS.

POM-POMS IN AND POM-POMS OUT.
RIGHT NOW,ANOTHER WRIGGLE.
"TRY-TRY-TRY" LETS HEAR YOU CRY,
THEN, GIVE A LITTLE GIGGLE.
WITH HAIRY LEGS,AND HAIRY LIPS,
I STILL SAY SHE'S THE BEST.
"COME ON BABY,TURN AROUND"
OH NO! THE POOR GIRLS GOT NO CHEST.
CH
OH THAT POOR GIRLS GOT NO CHEST,I SAID
THAT POOR GIRLS GOT NO CHEST.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE BEST I SAID,
BUT THE POOR GIRLS GOT NO CHEST.

BUT I LOVE MY HAIRY CHEERGIRL STILL,
SHE CAN'T HELP THE WAY SHE IS.
AND I'D DO ANYTHING I COULD
TO MEET MY SPECIAL MISS.
"TELL ME GIRLS WHATS HER NAME?
WOULD YOU PLEASE INTRODUCE?"
"CERTAINLY" THE GIRLS ALL REPLIED
"WE'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BRUCE."

"WHAT/"

"WE SAID WE'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BRUCE"

CH
WELL,ITS A STRANGE OLD WORLD WE LIVE IN,
AND I FEEL A LITTLE QUEER.
BUT I'D NEVER SEEN A BLOKE BEFORE
WAVE POM-POMS,IN THE AIR

INNACURE INJACKULATION

Isn' it incredible the stuff they advertise on radio these days?You can be riding along in your car and on will come an ad for any kind of cure, or preventative measure for any of natures little cruelties.Advice ?--All the advice for this and that--check your breasts,check your nuts,get your best friend, the doctor, to stick his finger up your bum and check your prostate. Take a sample of your stool to the chemist and they can not only tell you what you ate three days before,but they'll diagnose all sorts of things.
Kids want to know the whole lot too--"whats that mean Dad?" "whats that for Mum ?"--and honestly at times we don't know what to say or where to hide.


INNACURE INJACKULATION

"GOOD MORNING AND WELCOME TO RADIO 2 WEE 2 WOO,
YES FOLKS WE'RE ON THE AIR
AND THE SHOW TODAY IS BROUGHT TO YOU
BY ADULT HEALTH,AND MEDICARE.
LADIES,HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR BREASTS FOR LUMPS?
AND GENTLEMEN-YOUR PROSTATE?
INFACT,CHECK YOURSELF ALL OVER
BEFORE IT'S ALL TOO LATE.
DO YOU SUFFER FROM PREMATURE EJACULATION
WITH MUM IN THE BEDROOM?
DO YOU LEAVE HER THERE,UP IN THE AIR,
WHEN IT'S OVER ALL TOO SOON?"

"WHAT'S THAT MEAN DAD?"
HE ASKED,WHILST DRIVING TO THE SHOP.
"WHAT'S WHAT MEAN SON?"SAID I
FOR HE'D CAUGHT ME ON THE HOP.
"THAT MAN,WHAT THAT MAN SAID DAD,
THERE,ON THE RADIO STATION.
HE WAS TALKING,AND ASKED IF YOU HAD
INNACURE INJACKULATION."

"OH NO" I THOUGHT,I SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED,
BUT,I'D THOUGHT IT ALL TOO LATE,
I KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT,
EVEN THOUGH HE'S ONLY EIGHT.
SO,I DID WHAT ANY CARING DAD WOULD DO,
WITH NO ROCK TO CLIMB BENEATH.
I EXPLAINED IN EVERY DETAIL-
BY LYING THROUGH ME TEETH.

"INNACURE INJACKULATION,SON,
IS ALL ABOUT THE CAR.
AND IF YOU SOON DON'T GET IT FIXED
YOU CAN'T DRIVE VERY FAR.
IT'LL MAKE THE ENGINE SHAKE AND RATTLE
THEN GIVE A COUGH AND SPURT.
THE RADIATOR WILL OVERHEAT
AND GIVE A MIGHTY SQUIRT."

"WELL THATS ODD DAD" HE INTERUPTS
"OH NO!,OH NO!" I THOUGHT,
THINKING THAT I'D PUT AN END TO IT,
BUT NOW IT SEEMS I'M CAUGHT.
"THAT MAN SAID,IN THE BEDROOM DAD,
SO TELL ME DAD,HOW COME
YOU GOT THE CAR INTO THE HOUSE
AND,WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO WITH MUM?"

THIS HOLE WAS GETTING DEEPER,
AND MY FACE WAS GOING RED,
JUST HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN TO A KID
WHAT'S GOING ON IN BED.
"I TELL YOU SON,I DON'T KNOW,
BUT AS ONE MAN TO ANOTHER,
JUST AS SOON AS WE GET HOME
-----GO AND ASK YOUR MOTHER."

I'D LOVE A PIE WITH MUSHY PEAS

I NEVER USED TO HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM--I WAS ALWAYS A HEALTHY LOOKING SPECIMAN.I COULD EAT WHAT I WANTED AND AS MUCH OF IT AS I WANTED.THEN SOMETHING WENT VERY WRONG,INSTEAD OF PASSING IT ALL OUT OF MY BODY IN THE USUAL MANNER,IT ALL DECIDED TO STAY WITHIN ME, AND HANG OVER MY BELT.AT MUCH THE SAME TIME HAIR STOPPED GROWING ON MY HEAD AND STARTED SHOOTING OUT OF MY NOSE AND EARS--MY BELLY BEGAN TO OBSTRUCT THE VIEW OF MY PRIVATE PARTS UNLESS I LAY FLAT ON MY BACK.SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE-I WENT TO THE DOCTOR--TYPE TWO DIABETES,OVERWEIGHT,HIGH CHOLESTEROL AND A HEART THAT LIKES TO BEAT WHEN IT WANTS TO RATHER THAN WHEN IT SHOULD.OTHER THAN THAT I WAS FINE.THE OBVIOUS, WAS THE PROGNOSIS--A DIET WAS REQUIRED--WHICH I EMBARKED UPON-------BUT,

I'D LOVE A PIE,WITH MUSHY PEAS

I'D LOVE A PIE,WITH MUSHY PEAS,
OR ROAST BEEF WITH YORKSHIRE PUD.
FOLLOWED ON,BY SPOTTED DICK
AND CUSTARD IF I COULD.
PERHAPS A COLD SCOTCH EGG,WITH H.P SAUCE
AND,A PLATE OF FISH'N'CHIPS.
THE FOOD I'VE EATEN ALL MY LIFE,
SEE? ITS HANGING OFF ME HIPS.

"YOU'LL HAVE TO LOSE A STONE" HE SAID,
THE DOCTOR,"TUT,TUT,TUT,
YOU'LL GIVE YORSELF A HEART ATTACK
CARRYING AROUND THAT ARSE AND GUT."
WELL,HE COULD HAVE PUT IT NICER,I THOUGHT,
BUT I GUESS HE TELLS THE TRUTH.
I'M OVERWEIGHT,MY SUGARS HIGH
AND CHOLESTEROL'S THROUGH THE ROOF.

"SO WHATS THE ANSWER DOC?"
I ASK,IN A VOICE SOMEWHAT QUIET,
"WE'LL HAVE TO CUT THE RUBBISH OUT,
AND,YOU'RE GOING ON A DIET.
YOU'LL NEED TO RUN TEN MILES A DAY,
TAKE A PILL FOR THIS AND THAT
IF THAT DON'T WORK,WE'LL STICK IN A TUBE
AND SUCK OUT ALL THE FAT."

NOW ITS CARDBOARD FLAKES FOR BREAKFAST,
THERE'LL BE LETTUCE LEAVES FOR LUNCH.
APPLES IN THE AFTERNOON
AND SPINACH BY THE BUNCH
PRUNE JUICE GIVES ME DIARRHOEA,
NOW,THATS NOT GOOD FOR THE HEART.
I'M SICK OF BLOODY LEGUMES
ALL THEY DO IS MAKE ME FART.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M BLOODY MISERABLE,
EATING ALL THIS HEALTHY SHITE,
WHATS A LIFE WITH NO CHIPS OR CHOCOLATE?
TELL ME,IT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
BUT THE DOCTOR SAYS I'M DOING FINE.
FRIENDS SAY I'M LOOKING GREAT,
"SVELT AND HANDSOME" THATS WHAT THEY SAID
SINCE I DROPPED A BIT OF WEIGHT.

BUT,I'D LOVE A PIE,WITH MUSHY PEAS,
OR ROAST BEEF AND YORKSHIRE PUD.
FOLLOWED ON BY SPOTTED DICK
AND CUSTARD IF I COULD.
PERHAPS A COLD SCOTCH EGG,WITH H.P SAUCE
AND A PLATE OF FISH AND CHIPS,
THE FOOD I'VE EATEN ALL MY LIFE,
NO LONGER PASS MY LIPS------------AND,I JUST WANT TO DIE.

I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

About 42 years ago,just after I started at The Queens School For Boys in Wisbech (UK)I was stumbled upon by two of my teachers,Mr Derek Tuckwood and Mr John Raincock-they discovered my talent for writing verse--Poetry has been with me ever since.
Derek Tuckwood (who for some reason called it poy-etry-something I've heard from not another person since) convinced me at the tender age of 12 that I was brilliant and for some reason for the next few years had me cramming the school magazine with my crap.John Raincock my religious instruction teacher also formed the opinion that I was the worlds next Wordsworth,even though I didn't know or care who he(Wordsworth) was.Anyway,it was these two wise men that convinced me,and indeed sent me on the errand of saving the world.For forty plus years that's what I've done--if I've seen an injustice in the world--I've written a silly verse about it,pestered everyone with it,totally convinced that once everyone had read it the problem would be solved.
Bollocks--nobody took any notice-I've been writing and versing myself silly for all those years--and its made no difference at all.There were wars,starving,dying,sick,poor,thieves,murders,injustice and all these bloody things when I started---AND THE BLOODY LOT ARE STILL THERE---I've made no difference at all.Hence the lack of poetic wonderment from me for the past six months.I'm fed up.I'm fed up with not being listened to.So,I had to take a rest.I had to cool off------------and now--I'm back.

"I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE"

I,WAS ONLY TWELVE WHEN I STARTED TO WRITE,
YOU SEE,I JUST DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.
WITH ME SEEING ALL THE WRONG IN THE WORLD
IT WAS OBVIOUS,I WAS "THE VOICE"
I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
AND SAVE ALL, FROM THEIR FATE.
ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS LISTEN,
BUT NOW?--IT SEEMS TOO LATE.

I COULD HAVE FED THE STARVING,CLOTHED THE POOR,
AND SAVED THE WORLD FROM WARS
NO CHILD ABUSE OR HOMELESS
DRUGGIES,DRUNKS OR WHORES.
I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE,
ALL THE PROBLEMS TO ME,SEEMED PLAIN.
I WAS THE ONE,WITH ALL THE ANSWERS
THE REST OF YOU?--INSANE.

I WAS COLOURBLIND,YET,WITH PERFECT SITE
AND SAW NO BLACK AND WHITE.
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR JESUS IF YOU WANT.
BUT IF YOU DON'T,WELL? THAT'S ALLRIGHT.
I WAS SURE I COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE,
TO OUR WORLD,BIG ENOUGH TO SHARE,
AND LET ALL,LIVE THE WAY THEY WANT TO
WITHOUT THE THREAT OF FEAR.

I WAS GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
MORE THAN FORTY YEARS AGO
WHEN I STARTED PUTTING WORDS DOWN
TO LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW.
BUT I DIDN'T,NO,I DIDN'T,
SEEMS I'M THE SAME AS ALL THE REST,
ANOTHER BLOODY KNOW ALL,
THAT TRIED ,BUT FAILED THE TEST.

NO-ONE CHOSE TO LISTEN,
OR READ MY WRITTEN VERSE.
AND IF THE WORLD WAS BAD IN THOSE DAYS
TODAY,I FEAR ITS WORSE.
MY WORDS,HAVE MADE NO DIFFERENCE,
THOUGH I'VE TRIED,AND TRIED AGAIN.
BUT THE MORE I KEEP ON TRYING,
THE GREATER MY WORLD'S PAIN.

BUT,WE ALL COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE
IF WE WANTED TO,I GUESS,
START TOGETHER IF WE CAN
AND SORT OUT THIS BLOODY MESS.
WHERE TO BEGIN,THATS THE PROBLEM
THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO,ITS TRUE
BUT,IT HAS TO ALL START SOMEWHERE,
MIGHT AS WELL BE ME AND YOU.